im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
