remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
