i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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