Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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