she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
