Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
