I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
