I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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