i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
