I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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