You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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