It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just tell him i said nine months
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
