Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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