Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
