I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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