clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
