ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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