my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
