When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
