Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
