If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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