i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
