Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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