If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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