His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
