Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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