before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You may now shotgun with the bride
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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