Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
