It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
this hospital has no fireball
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
