I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
