just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
