I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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