And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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