he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
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