I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
be right there i have to get my cape
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
