Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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