Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
