3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
