when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
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let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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