I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
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She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
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I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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