All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!