I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
