I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
