I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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