dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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