Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
