Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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