I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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