I accidentally had phone sex last night
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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