it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
