So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
