we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
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They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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