I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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