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My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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