I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
