i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
