There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
