Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
