Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
