3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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