I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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