Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
