Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
