So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
