I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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